Meet Izzy Mandelbaum. Izzy, of Seinfeld fame, is definitely old school. He started as a personal trainer back when the only smart phone could be seen on Star Trek, and is still going strong today. Izzy means well, but his training regimen and advice are a bit… prehistoric. Regardless, he is opinionated and has a few tips on how to meet your fitness goals. We disagree with pretty much everything Izzy has to say, and wrote our opinions beneath his answers. Without further ado:

On Setting Goals

Listen here jellybeans, you need to go big or go home. If you want to lose 5 pounds, double it and try to lose 10. Only some kind of Nancy would make a goal as low as 5 pounds. I except you to spend more time in the gym than a Hypochondriac spends in a CAT scan. If you can’t reach your goal, then your parents were right about you. You are a failure.

Set realistic goals. Be true to yourself and set goals that can be attainable. The worst thing you can do is overextend yourself, and if you set a goal that is unrealistic, makes it that much easier to get discouraged and scrap it altogether. Start small, and if you reach your goal you can always set a new, more ambitious goal!

On Planning Your Workouts

What do you mean “plan” a workout? Only thing you should plan on is me putting a size-10 boot directly to your rear end if you mention that sewage drain of an idea again. All you need is to go out there and work out until you feel like your body wil explode. Work out as hard as you can for about three hours and you should be fine.

Create a detailed workout plan. You should plan ahead of time when you are going to work out, for how long, and what kind of workout (i.e. strength training, cardio, etc.). The worst thing to do is to go into a workout without a plan, because once the workout gets difficult it becomes that much easier to quit.

On Eating Habits

Ignore all of those fancy-dancy nutritionists, I got the secret for you right here: eat protein and drink whiskey. The protein will help you build up your muscle mass and the whiskey will put some hair on your chest. I think Rosie O’Donnell has a more impressive chest-fro than those set of naked mole rats you call your pectorals.

Get your eating habits under control. Without proper nutrition, your workouts might not see their full potential. Tailor your diet based on your health and fitness goals. We strongly suggest consulting a nutritionist or a (non-Mandelbaum) trainer to find out what kinds of food will best complement your workout regimen.

On Injuries

Tell me this sailor, are you hurt or injured? Being hurt means a sore hammy after a hard run, while being injured means you snapped your femur in two like a wishbone. If you are hurt, rub some dirt on it and get back to working out. No pain, no gain. If you are injured, find yourself a wood plank to bite down on because I’m snapping that puppy back into place faster than you can say medical malpractice.

If you just came back from a long layoff, take it easy if you are too sore or get a minor injury. Pushing through an early injury or soreness can lead to long term effects and ultimately become a roadblock in your quest for success. Don’t let short term gains get in the way of long term goals.

On Time Management

So you are too busy for the Mandelbaum regimen. If that is the case, you must be some hot shot. Do you have to give God a memo before you go to sleep to make sure the world keeps spinning? If you can’t find 2 hours of your precious day to get your sweat on Mandelbaum style, then I better not see you in my gym.

We understand you have a very busy life, but try to find any time you can to workout. Sometimes an intense 15 minute workout can be as good as an hour long workout. Tired? Then just try a nice, easy workout session for about 12-15 minutes. Something is better than nothing and keeps you in the habit of working out.

On Motivation

Want some motivation? Take a look at me. I am 80 years old and have not missed a day of working out since J Edgar Hoover was prancing around Washington in a tube top and mini skirt. I can still curl twice my body weight at 80, and you are worried about finding ways to drag yourself into the gym? If you want more motivation, how about a knuckle sandwich with a side of your teeth?

A great way to stay motivate is reward yourself for hitting milestones on the way to your goal. Had a personal best workout? Buy yourself a new outfit. Lost 3 pounds? Pamper yourself and get a massage. Too often we tend to bask in failure and ignore small victories. Remember to celebrate your success!

On Variety in Workouts

I got three workouts and three workouts only. Squatting, Curling and Running. Anything else is just some new-age mumbo jumbo that is about as real as my fake hip. If you are getting bored with my workouts, then you can go take a long walk on a short pier.

Mix things up! Doing the same thing over and over gets boring and your body will not adjust. This can lead to your body becoming stagnate and you will no longer find yourself making any progress. Try anything and everything, from kettle ball workouts to Boxing to Pilates.

On Being Perfect

I do not tolerate anything less than perfection. If you fail once, I’m dropping you from my regimen. Your generation has gone soft. I once ran from France to Russia without having a single misstep. In the middle of winter. During WW2. I think even a butterfly-hunting toddler like you can make it through a year without messing up.

You can’t be perfect! Try your best to do every workout and eat right, but if life gets in the way of your grand plan don’t get down in the dumps. Just make sure you make it to the next workout, or that the next meal is healthy. The worst thing you can do is let one misstep completely derail you from your goal.

On Recording Your Nutrition and Workouts

What is with you people nowadays? What with your Face-googling and Twitts, you do not even rely on yourself to remember how many pounds you squat. If that wastebasket you call a brain is not smart enough to remember that you ate 12 raw eggs for breakfast, then I may have to grab a pillow, put it to your face, and put you out of your misery.

The best way to make yourself accountable is to record your workouts and nutrition. You will find that if you make recording your nutrition and workouts a habit, it will always be in the back of your mind and you will be more aware of what good and bad meals and workouts are.

On Being Knowledgable

The only information you need to know is what comes out of my two lips. I don’t want you polluting your head with all of that word-vomit people will spew at you. As far as training goes, I am the Shepard and you are my sheep. I am the sun and you are my planets.

Arm yourself with as much information as possible. Consult a nutritionist, trainer, or anyone else who can help. It is liberating to not only know what you are doing, but why you are doing it. If you become educated about health and fitness, you can not only reach your goals but completely change your lifestyle!